Just for a frame of reference,
this is KCRA's Adrienne Bankert:
She's awesome, and doesn't know I exist.
This and that, 30 June 2008
90% of Americans see rising fuel prices as a financial hardship. You'd feel differently if you were rich.
But the price of oil dropped dramatically today. I'm sorry, I mean rose, to over $143 a barrel.
Even when you burn gas to go get groceries, you're getting less. I prefer to think of it as "each box contains a negative prize!"
So, while there is less money for butter, there are still abundant funds for guns. Even Hermann Goerring would be embarassed by this economy.
Since things are going so well, the administration is drawing up plans for war with Iran. Is it too late to see if England wants to run the whole damned show for us?
To no one's surprise, he's got a new low, twenty-two months of recession in a row.
John McCain appears to be strongly considering Willard Romney for his VP. It's all a part of his cunning strategy to lock up Utah's 5 electoral votes for the Republican ticket. Because there must be 100 people in that state who would vote for a black guy.
A Jacksonville teenager swimming at Gilligan's Island was discovered drowned after a one hour search. A one hour search.
This and that, 25 June 2008
The US Supreme Courtstruck down a Louisiana law that allowed child rapists to be executed, citing the Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment. I don't understand how it's cruel to kill a child rapist, but not a murderer. The death penalty doesn't work as a deterrent, but really, if we're going to have it, I'm thinking people who rape children really ought to be first in line.
The courtalso slashed Exxon's $2.5 billion dollar paymentto victims of the 1989 Valdez spill in Alaska. Perfectly understandable, 19 years has passed, after all, and it takes Exxon/Mobil two whole weeks to make that kind of money.
There is someupside to high gas prices: Parents are finally making their precious little snowflakes walk to school instead of driving them two blocks in the SUV.
Kentucky politiciansreally know how to blend in with their constituents. Like we Californians have any right to criticize who other states elect, yeah?
People who believe that God controls worldly affairs aremore likely to not vote. Show the strength of your belief, no matter your religion, and just stay home this November! I promise, the Easter Bunny will make it worth your while.
You can try this at the mall, but if you get hurt or arrested, that's on you, sucker.
John McCain is offering a $300 million dollar prize for an inventor who comes up with an affordable long-range battery for electric cars. He'll throw in another hundred dollars if you can get those kids off of his lawn.
Polls indicate that Barack Obama's race will be an issue in the presidential election. And for good measure, I'm going to make the sun rise in the East tomorrow.
If you think the air smells bad in Sacramento today, just be thankful you don't live in Bakersfield. Multiply today by 50, and mix in a healthy dose of ass, and you're almost there.
On this day 375 years ago, Galileo Galilei was forced to recant his claim that the Earth revolved around the Sun. We're very lucky to be living in a more enlightened era where science is no longer under threat from religious fanatics.
There's a museum in Fort Madison, Iowa. It's the Flood Museum. It is currently underwater.
This and that, 20 June 2008
Congress is preparing to debate a new surveillance law. And by "debate" I mean "bend over and approve." Didn't there used to be something between the Third and Fifth Amendments to the Constitution?
A teacher in Ohio was fired for teaching Intelligent Design in a public school. Oh, and for burning crosses into the arms of students.
Meanwhile, a group of teenage girls in Massachusetts formed a pact to give birth to the next generation of rocket scientists and brain surgeons. I'm reasonably sure this is Jamie Lynn Spears' fault.
Naomi Campbell was sentenced to community service for having a fit on an airplane back in April. So, this is what she looks like.
President Bush told Congress today that they need to legalize offshore oil drilling, so that the petroleum sellers can sell you $5 gas for another few years. If you believe that any of this would bring down fuel costs, you're high as a kite.
Norwegian authorities spotted a British woman with really bad hair, stopped her, and discovered that she had a kilo of cocaine stashed in her wig. The most surprising aspect is that the woman was not Amy Winehouse.
Americans are gloomy about the state of things, but are getting used to it. That's probably for the best. Set expectations on "low."
Take comfort in the news that the CEO of Chevron says that high oil prices aren't driven by greed. And please pay no attention to the fact that Chevron's after-tax profit last year was $18 BILLION dollars.
Saudi Arabia vowed to increase oil production, because the price is so high that we're actually trying to use less of it, and that's bad for them. But the price went up over $140 a barrel today, anyway.
President Bush, on his farewell trip to Europe says that this won't be the end for him, and that there's a lot left he wants to do. I need to get to work on my bunker.
A police officer in Turlock killed a man who kicked, punched and stomped to death a toddler. Good. If he'd managed to save the kid's life, I'd insist the officer should get a medal.
The Bush administration has given oil companies permission to annoy polar bears. I am hoping that the president will personally demonstrate the best way to do this.
Gay men have brains like straight women, and gay women have brains like straight men. This seems logical, but I'm not sure how this gets my dinner ready any faster.
the makers of the DaVinci Code prequel, Angels & Demons from filming in churches in Rome, as one archbishop referred to the story as a "phantasmagorical cocktail of inventions" and "a pot-pourri of lies". I'm pretty sure he's referring to the novel here, but I'm not absolutely certain.
This and that, Friday the Thirteenth of June 2008
Inflation had it's biggest jump in 6 months, and you have to bear in mind that the core inflation rate doesn't even include luxury items like food and fuel. Still not making this up.
In a related story, it's raining, it's pouring, the price of gas is soaring.
Barack Obama has announced a simple way to help fix Social Security. Only the top 3% of earners will be affected by it, but about one-third of you are going to bitch about it anyway.
Mike Huckabee is joining Fox News as a commentator. I suppose there really wasn't any chance of this not happening. No fist bumps over there!
When they do the Pepsi Challenge down South, they don't play, son.
Washington, DC had a power outage this morning, and even the White House was affected. It just makes me sad to think of the President sitting in the dark. And not just in the figurative sense, for a change.
US bishops today issued an explicit rejection of embryonic stem cell research. I suppose this means that they'll be shutting down all of their state-of-the-art science labs, and we'll never know exactly how flat the Earth is.
Do your best to explain to me how this moron from Texas is demonstrably different in his outlook from the Taliban and other Muslim extremists that we're battling in the Middle East. "Nuh UH! Nekkid wimmins!"
ABC News wondered today if the Apocalypse is upon us. So, I'm wondering if it isn't a really slow news day.
This and that, 11 June 2008
President Bush says that diplomacy is his first choice in dealing with Iran, even though any Democrat saying so is still a giant pussy.
Anyway, a full 90% of our troops sent over there are physically fit. You might wonder about the other ten percent we send, but maybe you shouldn't.
A study shows men use up more energy resources than women. Let them invent a solar-powered remote for the TV, and this disparity will disappear.
Parents claim that fruit has replaced cookies as the #1 snack for their kids. Still, all I see when I'm out is fat kids getting winded trying to take off their seatbelts.
Ford plans to retool truck plants to build small cars. And you had read this in 1997 instead of 2008, I might believe they weren't about to go out of business.
Actress Marlee Matlin is working on her memoir, Garrett Morris is slated to do the audio book.
A reporter and his wife talk about having sex for 100 straight days and HOLY CHRIST, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HER HAND.
The Journal of American Medicine reports that ADHD is not helped by St. John's Wort as much as it is by Uncle John's Belt.
This and that, 9 June 2008
The Saudis have called for a meeting about prices between oil-producing states and large consumers. If you think this will slow down the arrival of $5 a gallon gas, you are adorable.
"Your honor? My client won't be able to attend his DUI hearing today, as he was involved over the weekend in another crash after driving the wrong way on the interstate, injuring 3 people and killing another."
Rapper Warren G was arrested on a drug charge, but backup singer C Coolidge will fill in for him on tour dates.
This and that, D-Day +64
Unemployment jumped to 5.5% this month, leaving more Americans free time to plot the overthrow of the oligarchs. And to google "oligarchs."
Oil is up $10 a barrel today on the news that some analyst thought that the price might go up. I wish more people understood that they are selling you gas for $4.50 a gallon that they are pumping out of the ground from the same wells that were profitable at $1.40. No, I'm not making this up.
But some people just don't care, they gotta have their SUV. The nexus of cheap oil and cheap food resulting in a perfect storm of oversized vehicles for fat, oversized asses.
I guess it's cool that when an elephant loses a leg to a landmine that you can set her up with a prosthesis, but there's still no arguing that it's a faux paw.
Phuc 'n Bich should never be in the same room together.
This and that, 4 June 2008
Well, I'll be damned. I really didn't think I'd live long enough to see a black man nominated for the presidency.
The experts say that oil prices have eased. I sure feel stupid, all I've noticed is that gas has gone up 28 cents since last week.
Dangerous web domains have been identified and compiled for your web-surfing safety. Just click here, and have your credit card, social security number and mother's maiden name ready.
A Patriot acts, turns rat. Is there anything these guys won't secretly record?
American teens are having less sex and using fewer drugs than kids who grew up in the 90s. Still, you might want to think about reading a book once in awhile.
Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico primary yesterday, and would be declared president right now if not for the misogymist conspiracy conniving against her. Well, that and that she's won a couple hundred fewer delegates than Barack Obama.
Flip-flops are bad for your feet. Your ugly, disgusting, deformed feet.
A study shows that men would rather be single than be in a bad marriage. And that's another reason why we run things, ladies.
China is trying to curb its addiction to plastic bags, as they are clearly of little use as prohylactics.
A lingerie store opened in Vacaville last weekend. The villagers are angry, but instead of torches and pitchforks, they have set up video cameras, threatening to put images of customers on the interwebs. When did Vacaville move to Alabama?
Texas officials have taken DNA from that creepy FLDS sect leader. From what I've read, the real trick is NOT getting DNA from this psychopath.
The Vatican has decided that it will excommunicate any ordained female priests. Sorry ladies, you're going to have to figure out some other way to live a creepy, celibate lifestyle.
Finally, someone in this chickenhawk-filled administration has joined the Army.
Work a 4-day week in order to save on gasoline costs? Look out, we might be getting a clue.
Americans are so frustrated with the utter lameness of air travel that we're flying less. Speaking for myself, if they'd stop being so uptight about trying to join the Mile High Club, maybe we'd overlook the high prices, terrible service and chronic lateness.
